The Sauna Experience - retold by Andrew Conley

Well, it was the end of a long week and all I wanted to do when I arrived home from work was to relax my aching muscles (after a 12 km run) in the sauna and drink a cold beer. In hindsight, maybe drinking beer in a hot sauna is not the best way to rehydrate yourself after a run. Well,
whatever. So, after saying hello to my beautiful family, which could have been the last time I saw them alive given the evening's later events, I proceeded to go into the sauna and get set up (i.e. getting my steam water, pillow and foot rest ready).

The current temperature in the sauna was a modest-to-warm 68 degrees celcius with a relative humidity of 23%. After only laying down for a few minutes, I wanted to know what we were having for supper as I was hungry and thinking about bread, pasta, milk and sausage. But, to my surprise and astonishment, the sauna door ceased to open under the strength of one of my world-renowned solid door pushes. Bewildered, I wondered who would have designd a sauna with a door that had the ability to randomly lock itself with people on the inside. For such a
progressive society, the Finns really dropped the ball on this one. Initially, I was level "2" scared (i.e. mostly embarrassed). After trying to turn the handle unsuccessfully for a couple of minutes and realizing it was no hope, I started to scream for Kim who was in the other section of the house. After a few minutes of no response, I approached level "4" scared as the sauna temperature was now approaching 80 degrees (i.e. fairly concerned about my well-being). Then
I began to scream even louder and didn't worry about the possibility of the neighbours hearing me, hence enhancing my embarrassment.

Then, Kim came into the sauna area and after I explained the situation, she turned off the
sauna so I wouldn't roast to a crisp; albeit a well-flavoured and tasty snack. However, if Kim were not home and I was in the sauna alone (i.e. my mistress was also away for the weekend), I would have approached level "7.45" scared (i.e. starting to defecate myself, but hoping I wouldn't since I was stuck in an enclosed and very hot space). But, I was just thinking as I wrote this that there is a thermostat inside the sauna so I suppose if I was stuck alone and I wasn't completely panicked from fear, I could have reduced the thermostat to a lower survivable temperature of 30 - 40 degrees. Actually, I don't know how low the thermostat goes in a suana as no one would go in a suana at less than about 55 degrees celcius, so this may be the low end, but still very dangerous temperature if stuck for a long period of time. I had a bucket full of steam water that I could have survived on for a while for hydration, but I was hungry and thinking about fresh bread.

By the way, I resent my wife's comment referring to me as a dumbass. The outcome of this
incident (i.e. door lock breaking down into the locked position) was a completely unrelated and random consequence of my own actions (i.e. closing the door to the sauna, which is a daily endeavour for most Finns). But, we can discuss this more thoroughly later Kim (maybe during next week's dialogue night). I routinely do dumbass things, but I don't classify this as one of
them.

Regarding our feeble escape attempts. I tried pushing the door with 100% of my strength with
absolutely no success. But, it was hard to get any leverage because the sauna oven was located directly across from the door so I couldn't post my feet against the wall without frying my skin to a crisp. This particular sauna door in very thick and solid wood, and it is framed very tightly into a very thick and solid wood frame. It was good craftmenship to allow very little heat from
escaping the sauna. It is as solid (if not more) as any external door of any house in Canada. And, it is not like the movies, where one solid kick is able to break down a door with ease. We had no key for the door, and the actual key-hole was empty anyways so it wouldn't have helped anyways. I tried body-checking the door with 67% of my strength but the door was not budging. Again, my momentum was limited in the tight space of the sauna, so I couldn't get a decent run at it. I seem to be making a lot of excuses, but these are simply the facts and nothing but the facts, so help me God.

Kim took pictures of the door frame from the outside of the sauna and placed the camera
under the small space at the base of the door to let me see, but the hinges were receded back into the interior of the solid door frame, so we could not access them. I thought about trying to remove the actual frame from the interior of the sauna but I didn't have a screwdriver big enough (or enough torque) to unscrew the giant bolts holding the interior frame into place. After a few other fruitless efforts, we decided after an hour of my naked ass being stuck in the sauna to phone the locksmith. The first locksmith said it would be a 2-4 hour wait (not acceptable). The next locksmith was able to come after another 90 minutes. So, Kim passed me my iPOD and I listened to documentaries on CBC radio podcasts as I ran on the spot, did some push-ups, sit-ups, dynamic squats, calf raises and lunges and planned my next running race, since I never let an opportunity for hot sauna, confined-space, high-humidity training pass me by. Or, maybe I just had a nap in the sauna as I waited for my saviour. I can't exactly remember.

If I had been left alone in the sauna and it remained on and I had to escape or meet certain
death overnight, I do believe that I would have been able to break down the door. Although, I'm sure that I would have been very banged up as a result and probably scalded, but at least I would be alive. I think repetitive full-burst body slams would have eventually broke the frame and brought down the door, but I didn't have to resort to this option unless absolutely necessary.
The locksmith came and actually struggled with the door handle locking mechanism for quite a while, they can usually get into any door in only a couple minutes. But, it took him about 10 minutes. Fortunately for that dude, Kim had already gave me some shorts under the door so
he didn't have to see my jiggly bits. Although the door did not have an actual lock, the inside of the door closing mechanism actual broke apart inside the door in the closed position, so the handle was no longer actually attached to anything so it could not function to unlock the pin of the door anymore.

So, I was finally released in time to eat some very cold dinner, which didn't quite taste
as good as the meal I was picturing in my head when laying in the sauna
death-trap.

We paid the locksmith ~400 dollars for his 15 minutes of work and we moved on with our
lives.

The End